I Do Not Mind Chivalry
I was inspired to write this short essay after seeing a bunch of videos of men physically and verbally confronting other men who were being misogynistic and violent towards women. These videos have given me some hope and have restored my faith in humanity a little. Maybe chivalry is not totally dead! I think we need to revive it. In the future, I would like to write about the men in Game of Thrones whom I consider chivalrous, some of whom are pictured and quoted in this piece. I would also like to write a longer, more detailed, and more researched piece on chivalry and its history.
Hear me out!
I am not bothered by the notion of chivalry; I think men and boys should abide by a code of conduct that is rooted in courtesy, courage, loyalty, and respect toward women and girls. I know that chivalry is far more complex than this and that it has a long and sometimes sordid history. However, I agree with the principle of it, so long as there is no expectation of a thank you, a date, or sex in return. Is this equal? No. Is this fair? Most definitely. For too long, liberal feminists, humanists, and egalitarians pushed the notion of “equality” and the right for women to “be like” men and be treated the same as men. This is ridiculous, impossible, and dangerous. Us radical feminists do not want to be anything like men, nor treated like them. We are women! We want to be free from men and their misogyny. We want men to stop beating us, raping us, and killing us. We want men to treat us like women, which means treating us like human beings. I believe that part of the reason men commit violence against women and oppress them is because they do not see us as human beings.
Men, for those of you who claim to see us as human beings and claim to be one of the good ones, you need to prove it. When you see another man disrespecting us, you should feel compelled to call it out and stop it. I have seen many men call out other men when they have personally bruised their ego or disrespected them. I know you can do the same for your fellow woman. I watch my father do it every day as a teacher. He stamps out sexism and misogyny the minute he gets a whiff of it in his classroom. And what’s funny is, I do not think my father would call himself chivalrous or consider himself to be particularly special. He just knows that it is the correct thing to do. That is why I like the idea of chivalry, because to me, it is not about being a knight in shining armour or being special. It is about doing the decent thing with no expectation of being heralded a hero. I guess humility is what makes someone chivalrous.
I am sick of being the one screaming at men on public transport, on the street, or at the club to stop harassing women while other men just watch it happen. I am sick of male bystanders. Men, I need you to get up from your tram seat and tell that male to stop and leave the woman alone. When your mates are making disgusting comments about women, I want you to tell them that they are being disgusting and misogynistic, and to knock it the fuck off. Fathers, I want you to tell your sons that trying to get their crush’s attention by being mean to her is not acceptable, and that if a girl says no, go away, or ignores them, they are to respect her boundaries. I deem all of these “demands” to be acts of chivalry, but ultimately, if we lived in a world that did not assign gender to the behaviours of the two sexes, I would simply call this respect and civility. I am demanding respect from you. I am demanding that you tap into whatever humanity you have left and see that to be a man is to be human, and to be a decent human is to call out and stop people that are hurting others, especially those who are vulnerable. Unfortunately, patriarchy has made us vulnerable, and it is your duty to use your power to defend us.
I cannot think of many concrete examples of chivalry that I have observed. I have more examples of myself being chivalrous which are often situations that could have me getting seriously injured. The one that stands out to me the most is one wherein the men being chivalrous were not known to me. Many years ago, I was out clubbing with my girlfriends at not our usual haunt, and we were having a pretty good time. There was the occasional fuckwit not getting our very obvious hints (backs turned, ignoring and eye rolling) — that we were not interested in them. We then met a group of young men who we chatted with for a bit. At some point, they disappeared to get a drink and my girlfriend leaned over and whispered in my ear that one of the guys who had been hassling us, the one with the ugly glasses, had squeezed her breast. I got hot in the face and ears and said: Where the fuck is is he? She pleaded with me to just let it go, and as I calmed down and let it go, I felt something on my back. It was the same fuckwit with the ugly glasses rubbing his disgusting penis on my back. I turned around to hit him, but the vermin slipped away.
The group of young men soon found us and rejoined us. They could tell we were not happy and asked us what was wrong. We said we were used to it, but that someone had grabbed her breast and rubbed their penis on my back. Immediately, the men very calmly told me to point him out. I asked, what for? They said, just point him out. I scanned the club, and he was at the bar. I pointed at him. They asked me if I was sure. I said yes. They told us to go outside and wait for them, and they walked over to the bar. I do not know what they did when we walked out of that club. They never told us, but the bouncer chucking out the creep, who now had marks on his face, broken glasses, and a hand tremor, gave me a pretty good idea. We never saw those young men again after that night. I do not even think we learnt each other’s names, and yet they saw a group of women in distress who had been disrespected, and they rectified it.
Men, I do not want you to defend women from misogyny because you have a mother, a sister, a girlfriend, or because you know a woman. I want you to do so because she is a human, like you.
“I can’t steal her. She’s a person, not a goat.”
Samuel Tarly, Game of Thrones, The Night Lands, Season 2, Episode 2
I do not fully buy into the idea that male physical strength is inherently a bad and dangerous thing. I understand that men use their physical strength to control, dominate, beat, rape, and kill women and girls, and as a reaction and correction to this widespread male violence, we have asked men to tap into their “softness” — whatever the fuck that means, as if that is going to reduce men’s muscle mass — and to view violence as inhuman, archaic, and not what a man is. Men, ignore that rubbish. You need to channel your physical strength against the correct targets — i.e. threats, like males who are harassing, beating, raping, or killing women. When you see a man beating a woman, what is stopping you from pulling him off her and throwing him on the ground? When you see a woman being harassed, let’s say at a club or on public transport, what is stopping you from using your big-ass body and physical strength as a barrier, and using that bellowing voice of yours to tell him to: FUCK OFF!
Join the Men’s Auxiliary of SCUM!
The Men’s Auxiliary of SCUM was coined by feminist activist and author Valerie Solanas in her 1967 book SCUM Manifesto. She describes it as a group of men who are “working diligently to eliminate” themselves, which is one of the stated aims of the Society for Cutting Up Men (SCUM), i.e. the elimination of the male sex. As a modern-day, chivalry-loving feminist, I would slightly modify the goal and terms of the auxiliary. To me, the auxiliary is only open to men who are wholeheartedly committed to dismantling patriarchy, the male sex as it currently exists, and ending the oppression of women and girls and the violence against them. Us feminists can and do fight, but only so much. The rot starts at the head, and it sits with you men. Work to undo this gender hierarchy and its bullshit, and then maybe, just maybe, we can begin to consider trusting you.
“We’re all on the same side. We’re all breathing.”
Jon Snow, Game of Thrones, Beyond the Wall, Season 7, Episode 6
Love the GOT men, Samuel is the best 💕
I know of a video that's perfect for this occasion, but no one is going to be pleased that they watched it.